When Did You Know?

 It’s a question every LGBTQ+ person has been asked at least once. When did you know?

For some, the realization comes later in life, like a lightbulb moment. For others—like me—it was always there, an unspoken truth that lived in the background of my childhood. I didn’t have the words for it, but I felt it.

My earliest memories of attraction weren’t big, dramatic realizations. They were small moments—things I brushed off as normal because I didn’t have a reference point to tell me otherwise. In first grade, I had my first crushes on boys in my class. I didn’t know it was a crush at the time, but I knew I liked being around them. I knew my heart beat a little faster when we played together, when we sat next to each other, when they smiled at me.

By fourth grade, I had a more intense attraction to one of my baseball teammates. This time, it was different. I thought about him constantly. He was funny, kind, athletic—everything I admired and wanted to be close to. I still didn’t understand why I felt this way, but I knew I felt it more strongly than I had before.

Then came middle school, when the world around me started reinforcing what I was supposed to feel. Boys had crushes on girls. Girls had crushes on boys. That’s how it worked. So, I played along. I had "crushes" on girls, went along with what was expected, but deep down, I knew. I liked guys. I just wasn’t ready to admit it—to myself or anyone else.

By high school, the truth was undeniable. I was still trying to fit into the mold of what was expected of me, but the internal battle was exhausting. The thoughts, the feelings, the late-night worries of What if they find out? all weighed on me. It wasn’t until my senior year, when I got my first boyfriend, that I started stepping into my truth. Slowly. Cautiously. But it was there.

Looking back, I always knew. I just didn’t always have the words, the confidence, or the safety to say it out loud. That’s the thing about growing up queer—it’s not always about the moment you realize, but about the journey of understanding and accepting yourself.

So, when did I know?
I guess I always did.

But when did I finally accept it?
That took time. And that’s okay.

For anyone out there still figuring it out—you’re on your own timeline, and however long it takes, it’s your journey to embrace.

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